Welcome one and all, it’s time for the Elimination Chamber! Our show’s going LIVE in moments so grab a snack, settle in, and switch on over to ESPN. We’ve got a great card ahead of us for tonight so stand by. Updates roll out every 5-10 minutes during matches and a bit longer in-between. Not many readers responded well to 250 word-per-commercial recaps in testing recently. Darn. Get ready because the action starts at the top of the hour! Oh and Jade Cargill has rented a box/suite at the United Center to scope out the Women’s Elimination Chamber match and see who she’ll face at ‘Mania.

National Anthem & Show Start

Hannah Heavin (pronounced Haven), a Chicago native, sings the national anthem. She does a solid job, the crowd pops and chants USA as we head to a commercial. Bimzelx, it helps you get back to clearer skin. Only Bimzelx blocks some stuff that you want blocked! Don’t sweat the serious side effects, such as suicidal thoughts and ideation, liver problems, severe irritable bowel syndrome, and infections such as tuberculosis because nothing says cool retro style like a case of TB! Other ads include The Rookie, a show about a 55 year old rookie on his eight year as a rookie! Then we get the EC Chicago title card…just sitting there…wait what’s those words mean, “has ended”? Oh crap this is a preshow stream, it doesn’t automatically swap to the live stream of the show?! Dude what?! Oops, switching now! …And we missed nothing! We are looking LIVE at the sold-out United Center in Chicago! Michael Cole & Corey Graves welcome us and we get clips of various Superstars backstage and outside. AJ Lee & CM Punk are shown arriving to a big pop. Aw, they’re so cute together for real. The Elimination Chamber begins to lower as we return to the ringside area, complete with pyro! It’s time!

Women’s Elimination Chamber: Tiffany Stratton, Rhea Ripley, Alexa Bliss, Asuka, Raquel Rodriguez, Kiana James

The ring announcer gives the rules–six Superstars, four go into pods or chambers, two start in the ring. Every few minutes, a pod is opened at random and its containing Superstar is released into the wild like a Snorlax on crack. The winner of this match will take on Jade Cargill for the Women’s WWE Championship. Alexa Bliss is out first at 7:07pm to a decent pop. We’re shown Jade Cargill in the crowd. That’s a box seat? Not judging, I wouldn’t know, never been in one. That’s right, WWE, this diligent reporter would love a box seat, just putting that karma out there. Out next is Asuka. Raquel Rodriguez is out third; out fourth is Rhea Ripley, and these are the four Superstars starting in the pods.

Starting the match itself in the ring will be our fifth entrant, Kiana James, and final–none other than Tiffany Stratton. We get our opening bell at 7:19pm EST. Kiana James and Tiffany Stratton lock up, starting us off. The period is spent with James & Stratton alternating short periods in control. Highlights include a standing moonsault from James on Stratton. James looks for a few early pin attempts during the period but gets nada. Stratton, adorned in red-and-black butterfly themed ring gear, takes a brief period in control prior to the bell, connecting with a suplex on the hardened ring apron/platform side. James manages to avoid a Tiffy cartwheel elbow strike, and Raquel laughs her butt off at Tiffy after she crashes into the plexiglass door of Rodriguez’s chamber. The first pod is opened at 7:24pm and it releases Asuka!

The instant the door opens, James charges in and begins wailing away on Asuka. Commentary praises James’ aggressiveness. Asuka fights back, battling James out of the pod. Asuka turns her wrath to Stratton, then manages to take out both Stratton & James at the same time to a big pop. Asuka shoves both James & Tiff’s face against the link chain wall and grinds. She sends them into the ring, heads up tp and hits a double-missile dropkick to drop them both. Asuka’s on fire! She covers both but gets no joy. Asuka begins to deliver alternating Asuka-kicks to both downed Superstars for a few moments. Stratton fights back and takes a turn in control…until Asuka shuts that shit down with a big knee to the face. Asuka mounts Stratton as the crowd counts us down! The next chamber opens at 7:26pm and it’s Alexa Bliss to a big pop. Bliss enters and charges, dropkicking both Asuka and James in secession. Bliss takes down Tiff and gets a good pop. Tiff is back up and waves at Alexa. Bliss rebounds off the ropes and looks for a crossbody. Tiff catches her, says “no no,” then hits a rolling counter. Stratton heads up top, setting up the Prettiest Moonsault Ever, but Bliss counters.

Bliss with a dropkick to the gut. Asuka grabs Bliss from behind, but Bliss hits a spinning elbow smash to gain separation. Bliss rolls up James, no joy; Tiffy drops Bliss with a sliding strike and covers, no joy. James drops Stratton with a knee to the gut and stands alone to a pop. She and Tiff battle to the apron platform. James with a slingshot that sends Tiffany into the side of a pod. Rhea Ripley is out next at 7:30pm. Rhea hits the ring on fire, pummeling and clotheslining everyone. The crowd is absolutely on fire now for the Eradicator! Ripley Razor Edge’s Asuka onto Tiffy! Bliss clashes with Ripley; the two engage in a lengthy series of moves and counter moves. Bliss looks for a Sister Abigail but Ripley escapes; Ripley looks for a Riptide but Bliss escapes. Bliss & Ripley continue to battle on the steel apron platform. Ripley look for a Riptide but Bliss grabs the cage and climbs up to escape!

James attacks Ripley; Asuka gets involved as does Tiff and now all four are battling while Bliss hangs out off-camera. Oh wait, wrote too soon–Bliss is shown on top of the pod. Bliss dives off and wipes out everyone at 7:32pm! Bliss and James battle in the ring. Bliss catches James and looks for the Sister Abigail but Asuka sprays mist in Bliss’ eyes! James rolls her up and eliminates Alexa Bliss at 7:33pm! The crowd boos this. Raquel Rodriguez is out next at 7:33pm. Raquel catches Tiff with a baseball swing, then begins laying out everyone. Raquel takes down Ripley with a big rope-assisted move. Raquel jaws off, so everyone piles on her. Rhea and Raquel take the action outside and begin slamming each other into the chains. Raquel throws Rhea aside, then begins woman-handing the other Superstars.

Ripley looks for a Hurricanrana off the top but Raquel powers through it and scissor leg-swings Rhea into the cage! She then picks up Stratton and throws her into the cage, then Asuka. Raquel’s making great use of the cage as a weapon. Raquel with a Fallaway Slam to Asuka! James attacks her and the two battle near a pod. Raquel picks up James and hits a Running Powerslam through the pod glass! Huge pop from the crowd! Raquel catches Asuka with a leg attack, picks her up, and Tejana Bombs Asuka onto Kiana James! At 7:36pm she pins them both, eliminating them both! Wow! Raquel’s fired up. We’re down to our final three: Raquel Rodriguez, Rhea Ripley, and Tiffany Stratton. Ripley and Raquel frequently battle by the cage, often slamming each other into the steel chain link wall. Raquel puts Rhea in a tree of woe in the chain wall. Stratton climbs up, leaps off, and gets caught by Raquel. Tiffany battles, freeing herself, and takes the action into the ring proper.

Tiffany charges Raquel; Rodriguez connects with a Big Boot. Rodriguez pummels Tiff in the corner, then hits a Fallaway Slam. Raquel with a torpedo/corkscrew elbow drop off the top. Raquel spends several long moments beating the tar out of Tiff until Rhea takes her out with a cannonball. Stratton takes advantage and heads up top, hitting the Prettiest Moonsault Ever on Raquel before covering her to eliminate her at 7:40pm. The crowd boos this and I don’t blame them, Raquel put on a hell of a show. We’re shown Jade Cargill looking on from her box seats, which look rather exquisite and worth every penny and, should I ever find myself in one, I’ll give a better review of its perks. Stratton and Ripley go at it, with Stratton getting a close two at 7:41pm. Stratton heads up top and goes for a Swanton, but Ripley avoids it. Ripley looks for a cover but no joy. Rhea looks for a Riptide but Tiff escapes. Ripley charges the corner; Tiff sidesteps, and Rhea smashes her shoulder into the turnbuckles. Tiffany pulls Rhea up, setting up the Prettiest Moonsault Ever. Ripley quickly pops up and shoves Stratton into the glass pod. Ripley picks up Stratton as she rebounds, hits the Riptide, and pins to get the win at 7:43pm!

Your Winner and #1 Contender, Rhea Ripley! (25 minutes)

WWE Women’s Intercontinental Championship Match: Becky Lynch(c) vs AJ Lee

After a quick video hyping this match, we get the champ’s entrance at 7:55pm. Intercontinental Champion Becky Lynch is out first; makes since as this is AJ Lee country. Speaking of, the “hometown girl” is out to a nice pop at 7:57pm. We get our introductions ahead of our bell at 7:59pm. The story as laid out by commentary is that this is not only AJ’s first championship match in eleven years, it’s her first singles match in a decade. Lynch starts off with typical heel tactics designed to piss off the Chicago crowd. Lynch uses cheap shots and stalling tactics to annoy Lee. Lynch spends the opening minutes mostly utilizing this offensive style. Lee gets a Hammerlock in place for a few, but Lynch escapes. Lee sends Lynch out of the ring then skips in the ring, taunting her. Lynch takes her time getting in the ring. We’re reminded that Lynch has called referee Jessika Carr the “most crooked ref in WWE history” per commentary. Haha. Lynch continues to maintain control for several more minutes, neutralizing the crowd. Cole and Barrett speculate they’re in shock.

Finally about 8:07pm, Lee manages to string enough together to officially classify it as a comeback. The crowd comes back alive, too, popping for the adopted hometown girl. Lee continues to lay into Lynch with speedy strikes. The two battle in the corner. Lee with a Tornado DDT to Lynch, then follows up with a Shining Wizard! Lee covers but only gets two. Lee looks for a Black Widow but Lynch avoids it and begins to stomp away at Lee. Lynch removes a top turnbuckle cover while the ref was checking on Lee. Lynch tries to introduce Lee’s face to it, but Lee gets a leg up and blocks. The two continue to battle back-and-forth, culminating with a top-turnbuckle visit. The two grapple briefly before Lynch hits a Superplex. Lynch immediately transitions into an armbar. Lee manages to twist her body and roll Lynch into a pin position, forcing Lynch to break the hold. Lee covers Lynch for two. The ref notices the turnbuckle pad/cover missing at 8:10pm and heads outside the ring, getting a replacement set. The ref begins putting the pad on. Lynch shoves a rising Lee into the ref, which smooshes the ref into the exposed turnbuckle (I think it struck her chest). Lynch covers; the ref recovers and counts but Lee kicks out. Lynch accidentally strikes the ref again, knocking her down. Lee slaps on the Black Widow and Becky taps but the ref is down! The crowd is on fire for all this, by the way.

Lee checks on the ref; Lynch uses this distraction to attack Lee. Lynch takes Lee outside, sending her into the barricade and the steps. The ref is still down in the ring. Lee begins to battle back and the action spills inside the ring, complete with a chair. Lynch and Lee battle for control again briefly. Lynch slams Lee’s face into the chair but the downed ref doesn’t see it. Lynch hits a Manhandle Slam on Lee, covering. The ref gets in position and counts but Lee kicks out to a huge pop! Lynch confronts the ref, yelling at her. Lee rolls up Lynch from behind for a close two. Lynch looks for a Stinger Splash on Lee in the corner; Lee moves and Lynch splashes the still-exposed turnbuckle! Lee catches the rebounding Lynch and slaps on the Black Widow. Becky Lynch taps out at 8:15pm!

Your Winner AND NEW Women’s Intercontinental Champion, AJ Lee! (16 minutes)

WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: CM Punk(c) vs Finn Balor

This match is coming up next. Finn Balor is out first at 8:25pm. Punk gets a special entrance at 8:27pm–he starts in the back and is shown walking out with a custom introduction by iconic PA announcer Ray Clay of Chicago Bulls fame, all while that iconic Jordan-related music pays. Clay’s announcement is sweet, pointing out Punk’s the One World Champion, the Second City Saint, and so on. The music ends and the crowd rips off a loud CM Punk chant ahead of “Cult of Personality” by In Living Color at 8:29pm! And a reminder–if you wanna hear this rockin’ song, check out the Cult of Personality (CM Punk Theme) version by the band! Punk only uses the re-recorded (and better–everyone says so, ESPN, Bleacher Report, etc) rendition as it benefits the band. Punk takes his sweet time, as he should, making his way out to the ring. He poses at several points with the crowd along the ramp. Chicago is eating it up for the Chicago (suburb)-Made punk! The bell is coming up, soon. Let the champ soak it in. We get introductions ahead of our bell at 8:34pm.

Punk and Balor spend a few seconds jawing off. The crowd is, and will be, loudly behind Punk so I’ll refrain from highlighting anything unnecessary. Punk and Balor lock up, starting us off on a technical journey together. So sit back, grab a snack, and let’s watch two of the best in the world show us what they can do. The action continues for several minutes. After about five, the technical gives way to a more brawling style as Punk chains together strikes and takes a brief control in charge. Balor, however, is as scrappy as ever and wrests control from Punk. Seriously, the first several minutes are just good, old fashioned back-and-forth. Solid pace, nothing too marquee to report on just yet (as there shouldn’t be for veterans). Balor slaps Punk in a lengthy abdominal stretch. Punk eventually escapes with a hip toss. Punk looks for a Sharpshooter but Balor escapes. The action continues as of 8:42pm. Punk takes a brief turn in control before giving way to Balor, who kills ample time taking on Punk with working holds and battering strikes. Punk starts to rally about 8:46pm and looks for a cover but no joy.

Punk and Balor again lock up, showing signs of fatigue at this junction in the match. They battle in the corner. For some time. Finally Balor shoves Punk off and looks for the Coup de Grace. Punk rolls out of the way and hits a running knee on Balor. Punk’s mouth is bleeding. Punk goes up top and hits an elbow drop off the top. He favors his midsection, worked over throughout the match. Punk fails to cover Balor in a timely manner, leading to a kickout and reversal by Balor. Balor with a Sling Blade. Balor heads to the corner and posts up. Balor’s looking for the Shotgun Dropkick but Punk counters with a clothesline. Punk looks for an Anaconda Vice on a downed Balor and locks it in at 8:50pm. Balor refuses to tap and rolls out of the hold. Balor rolls up Punk but Punk escapes. Balor drops repeated elbow blows to Punk’s chest. Balor heads up top and connects with a Coup de Grace! Balor covers but Punk kicks out in time! Balor leans on the rope, looks up the ramp–commentary speculate he’s going back on his word and may want the Judgement Day, but he doesn’t call for anyone. Punk attacks a distracted Balor and hits the Go to Sleep! Balor tumbles out of the ring and Punk can’t cover!

Punk doesn’t want to end in countout so he heads outside the ring. Punk charges Balor and eats a Sling Blade! Balor drives Punk through the barricade then takes the action back inside. Balor approaches Punk, who Cena’s up and picks Balor up for a GTS. Balor escapes. Balor with the Shotgun Dropkick to drop the champ. Balor heads up; Punk’s in the dropzone. Balor goes for the Coup de Grace but Punk snatches his leg a split-second before impact and twists him down to the mat, locking in a Sharpshooter! Shades of Hart! Balor finally grabs the rope and the ref forces the break. Great counter! Punk looks for another Sharpshooter but Balor’s playing defense, blocking the step-through. Punk stomps at Balor, holding onto Balor’s right wrist to continuously pull him back into another stomp. Punk hoists up Balor and hits the Go to Sleep. Punk covers and pins, picking up the win at 8:55pm!

Your Winner AND STILL World Heavyweight Champion, CM Punk! (21 minutes)

The Crate Box is Opened!

Adam Pearce and Nick Aldis are shown on the stage with the crate/box. They open it open, revealing a coffin inside! The coffin opens and out comes a line of people, including Danhausen! Danhausen is in WWE! The group make their way quirkily to the ring and pose. The music stops, the lights go out, and when they return…Danhausen and company are gone! Well, mystery solved, time to get some Scooby snacks.